


Hello Again

by AppleCiderr



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Brain Damage, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Flash Forward, Flashbacks, Fluff, Getting to Know Each Other, Guilt, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Missing Persons, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption, References to Depression, Reunions, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shizaya - Freeform, Survivor Guilt, Temporary Character Death, Timeskip, amnesiac Izaya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2019-12-25 16:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18265043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleCiderr/pseuds/AppleCiderr
Summary: Izaya was shot in the head during the final fight between him and Shizuo, and life has been peaceful in Ikebukuro ever since.Shizuo hasn’t been the same since, he’d never taken a life before. Even if it was Izaya, it was still a human life. Ever since then Shizuo has been depressed, and his life has been falling apart. In an effort to feel better, he travels far away from Tokyo to take a vacation and forget about his life... But while he’s there, he sees a familiar face.The only problem is, this familiar face doesn’t remember him.





	1. Time Flies

Shizuo remembered every detail of that night. 

 

He could recall the faces of all the gang members and the Saika controlled individuals. He recalled every single wound he had and how badly they hurt. He remembered everything about that damned fight… Especially the ending. 

 

Izaya had been kneeling on the asphalt, that damned grin on his face even when Varona was holding a gun to the side of his head. Her finger was on the trigger, ready to fire at any second. 

 

But the flea wasn’t scared, even when death was ready to take him he was calm. In fact, he seemed to be… Accepting his fate. 

 

Then, just as a flashbang went off in the distance, she pulled the trigger. Light exploded all around Shizuo’s eyes, and he had quickly brought his arm over them to protect his vision. When everything cleared, and he was able to see the scene in front of him, his heart stopped. 

 

Izaya’s body was on the ground, a hole in the side of his head and blood pooling around him. His arms were splayed unnaturally at his sides, and his eyes blankly stared out at seemingly nothing. 

 

He… He was dead. 

 

The crowd around them erupted in a physical and verbal sense, but Varona didn’t seem to care. She put her weapon away and turned to him. “Senpai, let’s go,” She firmly said. 

 

Shizuo’s vision was fading in and out, his heart pounding. “But… We… We have to call an ambulance,” He frantically said. 

 

“No,” Varona snapped,”He’s a monster, Senpai. Let him die. The world will be better without him.” 

 

For some reason, Shizuo couldn’t bring himself to argue against her. He turned and ran with her, just in time to escape Celty’s shadows that began to surround people. 

 

When he looked back, he tried to see a rise and fall from Izaya’s chest…. But he was too far to see for sure. All he could tell was that Izaya hadn’t moved, and that pool of blood was getting bigger. 

 

For some reason, tears filled the blonde’s eyes as he turned and ran away with Varona, forcing himself to not look again. 

 

— — — — — 

 

Part of Shizuo died that night, and the empty space was soon filled with painful guilt. 

 

For years he tried to convince himself otherwise, he tried to come up with a reason that his actions were justified…. But he couldn’t. Even if Izaya was a bastard, he was still human. The second he couldn’t run or parkour away, he was just as vulnerable as the rest of them.

 

And Shizuo has used that to his advantage. He tried to tell himself that it was worth it, that Izaya would never bother anyone again… But he still killed him. He took a life, he became the monster that Izaya always said he was.

 

Yes, Shizuo believed he was to blame for Izaya’s death. Even though Varona had been the one to pull the trigger, Shizuo blamed himself completely for Izaya’s death. 

 

He was the one that incapacitated Izaya, he was the one who broke his arms. He was the one who told Varona over and over again how much he wanted to kill the raven… But he never actually believed he would do it. 

 

Even years after their final fight, Shizuo still was consumed by that guilt. He managed to hide it well; It helped that life had become much more peaceful… But the guilt was like a parasite, it ate away at him more and more. 

 

There were days where he would stare off at nothing in particular, searching for any sign of that damned fur coat… It never showed up again. 

 

Some nights he would dream of those dead eyes staring at nothing, blood sliding down his chin and his arms twisted in inhuman ways. 

 

There were days where people would point to him and say,”That’s him! He’s the one who killed Izaya!” 

 

“Don’t get on his bad side,” Braver ones would warn while pointing towards the man. “Or he might kill you too!”

 

Sometimes people would even thank him. Why were they thanking him? He didn’t do a good deed, he helped  _ kill  _ someone! Why didn’t anyone see that!?

 

But when he tried to argue this point back, some would still reply,”Who cares? He was a bastard, now he’s dead. He deserved it.”

 

_ No, no he didn’t.  _ Shizuo thought.  _ He wasn’t a god, he was a human being. He was weak and helpless and I just watched as he died. I let him die. I killed him.  _

 

_ I’m a murderer… I’m a monster... _

 

Eventually, Shizuo even started to let himself go. Sure, he still raged and threw people but the rest of his day was spent in a stupor. 

 

He’s smoke more than two packs a day sometimes, and when he wasn’t smoking he would be drinking. 

 

Too tired to care about his appearance, his bartender suit became wrinkled and dirty. Dyeing his hair was too much of a hassle, it began to fade back to its original brown. The bags under his eyes became very noticeable, as did the weight he was losing. 

 

Many people tried to talk to him, but Shizuo didn’t care. He just wanted to fade away from the world, to escape the world that only showed him the sins he committed against weak humans. 

 

It was the only thing a monster like him deserved. 

 

— — — — — — —

 

Five years had come and gone.

 

Shizuo found himself walking alongside Tom, an umbrella held in his shaking hand as the rain poured down on the city. 

 

They had just finished up with another client, and were heading towards the next one. As they passed through the crowd, people whispered and pointed at him. He could hear what they were saying as they passed. 

 

“Killer” 

 

“Orihara Izaya…”

 

“Monster...”

 

He frowned, biting his lip and clutching the umbrella tighter. The metal handle began to crumble beneath him. 

 

Tom quickly caught on, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Shizuo,” He casually said,”It’s alright, just ignore them. People just like to gossip.”

 

Shizuo shook his head in return, not sure how to explain to his senpai that their gossip was truth. He was a monster, but Tom wouldn’t listen to the truth. 

 

Tom seemed to realized he was fighting a worthless fight, so he sighed and turned back to face the street. 

 

Sudden high pitched screams caught the attention of the two debt collectors. Believing it to be foul play, they kept walking. But then those screeches formed words. 

 

“Yuuhei! Over here!” 

 

“Please I want your autograph!” 

 

“Yoo-hoo! Yuuhei~!” 

 

Shizuo stopped, looking towards the crowd of girls with wide eyes.  _ Kasuka’s back.  _ He thought in awe.  _ I haven’t seen him since he signed that movie deal.  _ Unconsciously, Shizuo moved away from Tom and lurked around the edge of the crowd.

 

It took Kasuka a few minutes to notice Shizuo since he was busy greeting his fans, taking selfies, and signing autographs. When he finally caught sight of his older brother, he stopped what he was doing to glance up at him.

 

Knowing there was no way to get through the ocean of fans, Shizuo simply nodded towards him and then headed back towards his senpai. _ He’s been so busy recently, I hope he has the chance to take a break soon.  _

 

When he got back to Tom, there was a buzz from his pocket. He stopped and pulled his phone out, noticing that the notification had come from Kasuka. He quickly opened his phone to get a look at it. It read  _ ‘Your apartment, 6:00’ _

 

Shizuo quickly sent back  _ ‘I’ll be there’  _ before he could think otherwise, and then stuffed his phone back into his pocket. When he looked back up and saw Tom, his eyes widened.  _ Shit, I forgot about work. _

 

Tom smiled knowingly, as if he already guessed what had happened. “Go home early, Shizuo, and make sure to eat something,” He ordered,”I’ll take care of the last few on my own.”

 

“Thank you senpai!” Shizuo replied, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a long while. He was going to see Kasuka! It had been too long, he was so excited!   
  


He quickly hurried through the streets, wanting to get his apartment as presentable as possible. He hadn’t exactly been focusing on keeping it clean, so that may take a majority of his time. The scenery blurred past him, he had a one track mind.

 

Until he saw a familiar coat in the corner of his vision. Shizuo’s heart stopped as he skidded to a sudden stop, nearly slipping on the wet sidewalk as he turned to look at- Oh…

 

A young woman with bright red hair and green eyes, lips shining with a red lipstick as she chatted with someone on her phone. Her coat, now that Shizuo got a better look at it, was too light to be Izaya’s.

 

He watched her walk past, a familiar guilt beginning to swallow him up. He growled and grabbed at his hair, tugging it violently.  _ Stop it! Stop it! Don’t think about him! He’s gone! I have to be happy, I have to be happy so Kasuka can be happy!  _

 

Shizuo quickly took off as fast as he could, not wanting to spend one more second around those painful memories… But they somehow managed to follow him all the way home. 

 

— — — — — — 

 

A few hours later, there was a knock on Shizuo’s door. He quickly smoothed out his clothes as best he could and then hurried over to open the door. 

 

Kasuka stood there all alone, holding a bag from Russian Sushi in his hand. “Long time no see,” He declared, walking into Shizuo’s apartment after the latter moved out of the way. 

 

Shizuo felt relieved that he had been able to clean up his apartment in time, he didn’t want his younger brother to see how pathetic he was. 

 

They sat down at Shizuo’s table and opened up the bag of food, focusing on eating instead of conversing. After a while of this, Shizuo began to feel a little awkward. He quickly tried to come up with a conversation point. 

 

“So… Kasuka,” He began, poking at some sushi half-heartedly. “How has that movie deal been going?” 

 

Kasuka finished what he was chewing and responded,”Pretty good, I’ll be going back to the states in a few months to do more promotional work before we start the filming for the third movie.”

 

Shizuo smiled in response, always thankful that a least his brother was living a good life. “That’s good, I’m really happy for you,” He answered honestly. 

 

“What about you?” Kasuka questioned, his eyes seeming to bore into Shizuo’s soul to make sure the man answered honestly. 

 

The bodyguard couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth, however, so he quickly replied,”Well, things have been good. You know how it can be when you have to deal with annoying people all day.” 

 

Kasuka made a curious noise, grabbing their trash and going over to the trash can. Before Shizuo could stop him, he pulled the cover off the can and revealed the piles of empty alcohol bottles underneath it.

 

Shizuo’s face instantly heat up in shame as Kasuka turned to glare at him, the slightest bit of anger visible in his eyes. 

 

“You said you were getting better,” Kasuka asscued,”I knew it was a lie. You’re not even trying.” 

 

The debt collector quickly got to his feet, the chair behind him falling onto its back. “Kasuka, I swear that I’m trying!” He exclaimed. 

 

The actor pointed at the trash can again. “It doesn’t look like it to me,” He firmly stated. 

 

Knowing he’d been caught, Shizuo buried his face in his hands. “I’m- I’m sorry, Kasuka,” He croaked,”I’ve been trying to get better, I really have been. But every time things start to look better…. I- I think of  _ him.  _ Everything reminds me of him… I- I can’t escape!”

 

Kasuka didn’t respond for a few minutes, he simply placed his hand on Shizuo’s shoulder as the man struggled in an effort to not cry. He had never admitted the truth before, and that was supposed to take weight off his shoulders but it only made him feel worse. 

 

Them, he heard Kasuka sigh. “Maybe the reason you can’t stop thinking about him is because you’re surrounded by reminders,” He suggested,”When was the last time you left Ikebukuro? Even for a shopping trip?”

 

Shizuo couldn’t come up with an answer, he honestly didn’t remember. The closest one he could come up with was when he went to confront Izaya in Shinjuku… But that was over five years ago. He gave a shrug as a response.

 

Kasuka sighed again, pulling his phone out and typing some things onto it before he replied,”Big brother, take a vacation. I already spoke to Tom and your boss, they want you to get better too. I’ll pay for everything, I promise. Leave Ikebukuro for a few weeks, explore Japan. Just enjoy yourself, okay?”

 

Shizuo wanted to deny the request, but even he could see how his life was falling apart.  _ Maybe getting out of Ikebukuro for a while is what I need…  _ He thought.  _ A change of scenery might do me some good. _

 

“Okay, Kasuka,” He decided, rubbing his eyes and looking up at the younger. ”I’ll take a vacation… But only because  _ you _ asked me.”

 

Kasuka seemed relieved, and quickly dragged Shizuo to his room in order to help him pack. Shizuo followed, enjoying the rare sight of enthusiasm he saw from his brother. But the second the actor’s back was turned, the frown came back onto Shizuo’s face. 

 

_ At least me saying yes is making Kasuka feel better…  _ He thought.  _ But I really don’t think some stupid vacation is going to change my life. _

 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

 

Shizuo decided that any vacation he took was going to be far away from Tokyo, and even farther from Ikebukuro. The further he was from those dark memories, the better.

 

He decided to go to Hokkaido. It was a big prefecture, and there were surely plenty of things to do. Not only were there countrysides and parks, but cities and beaches too. 

 

It was an eight hour trip to Hokkaido by train, and Shizuo managed to spend most of it sleeping. It was amazing, the most rest he had gotten in years. When the train stopped in Sapporo, he found the unfamiliar scenery quite refreshing. 

 

The first thing he did was find the hotel that Kasuka rented ahead of time for him. It was very luxurious and even had room service and a continental breakfast, and a television with more channels than Shizuo had at his own apartment. 

 

Part of him wanted to just stay in the hotel the whole time, relaxing and watching the telly. But he knew that Kasuka would be upset if he did, so Shizuo grabbed a few things and got to exploring. 

 

He took a tour of the Ishiya chocolate factory, explored the clock tower, and bought some sweets from nearby stores. All in all, it was really nice but there were a lot of other tourists around. It was hard to relax around people who couldn’t understand half the time.

 

His second day, he went to Asahiyama memorial park for some peaceful walking time.  _ It was really nice, the most relaxed he’d felt in a while. Maybe I should do more things like this? _ He thought, pulling his phone out and searching for any nearby parks he could also explore.

 

_ Ah, Odori park.  _ He noticed.  _ It’s in the heart of Sapporo, but it’s a nice park.  _ He quickly searched up a route.  _ If I take the Kita-Hinode train, I could be there in less than two hours!  _

 

With that in mind, Shizuo quickly hurried out of the park and towards the station. He wanted to catch the train as soon as he could. 

 

— — — — — — 

 

The train was a bit crowded, probably since it was only around ten in the morning. Shizuo did his best to stay out of people's ways, since he knew most the people on the train were likely heading to work. 

 

He managed to squish himself against a window, holding onto one of the rails above him. He stared out the window, and found himself falling into deep thought. _ I really will have to thank Kasuka. I’m actually enjoying myself for the first time in a while.  _

 

The passing scenery was suddenly yanked away as their train caught up to another. Shizuo frowned, but didn’t turn his attention away. There wasn’t much else to stare at after all.  _ Don’t worry, Shizuo. You’ll be at Odori park soon, it should be less crowded there.  _

 

Just as he began to daydream again, his window came to meet with another. Unconsciously, Shizuo looked up… And gasped. 

 

It was Izaya. He looked a little different, he wasn’t facing Shizuo all the way, but the debt collector could recognize him anywhere. Shizuo’s brown eyes widened, and he quickly placed his hand against the glass, leaning closer. 

 

“It’s you…” He whispered,”You’re alive!” 

 

But then the trains jolted, and went back into tunnels, blocking him off from the raven. Shizuo’s anxiety leveled exploded at once. 

 

_ No! Don’t leave again!  _ He screamed in his mind, quickly trying to recall the number he saw on the train. He turned, seeing a middle aged man next to him. 

 

“Hey, where does the train we just passed stop at!?” He demanded, making many others stop to look at him. 

 

The man gave him a confused look as he replied,”It stops at the same station, just on the other side.” 

 

“Thank you!” Shizuo frantically said, and as soon as the train came to a stop, he shoved his way out and ran as fast as he could to the other side of the station. 

 

When he reached the other side, he skidded to the stop and looked all over the place. There were so many people, but none of them were who he was looking for.  _ Where is he?! Where did he go?! I can’t lose him! _

 

He turned to look at the exit, and saw a familiar form hurrying up the stairs. Shizuo’s heart skipped a beat, and he quickly dashed through the turnstile gates and up the stairs. The natural light shined in his eyes, knocking his vision out for a moment and forcing him to stop.

 

As soon as his vision cleared, Shizuo desperately scanned the crowds once more. _ There he is! _ Hurrying down the sidewalk and files in his hands was the man he thought he had killed all those years ago. 

 

“Izaya!” He yelled,”Stop! Wait!” He ran through the street, ignoring the screech and honk of the car that nearly hit him. They didn’t matter, what mattered was that he finally caught up with him. “Izaya!” He yelled again, grabbing the back of the raven’s shirt and yanking him back.

 

The raven cried out in surprise, dropping the files he had been holding all over the ground. Shizuo turned him around and grabbed his shoulders, shaking the man. “You’ve been here this whole time?!” The debt collector demanded,”What the fuck were you thinking!? Did you just do it to torture me?!”

 

The raven’s shaky hands grabbed at Shizuo’s wrists, frantically tugging and trying to escape. “S-stop it!” He exclaimed,”L-let me go! Please!”

 

“NO!” Shizuo snapped back, tightening his grip. “Not until you tell me what the hell you were thinking when you did what you did!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Izaya yelled back,”I don’t even know who you are! P-please let me go!”

 

Shizuo’s heart froze over, his grip loosening and eyes widening in shock.  _ What? _ He thought, finally taking a second to look closer at Izaya. His eyes… Even when Izaya was tricking the people around him, Shizuo was always able to see the sadistic glee that was hidden behind those false emotions. But this time, the raven’s eyes were filled with fear; Genuine and complete utter fear.

 

In that moment, Shizuo realized that Izaya was telling the truth. _ He’s not lying _ …  _ He’s afraid of me… And.. And... _

 

_ He doesn’t remember me...  _


	2. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya thinks about his strange encounter, while Shizuo debates on what he should do.

Izaya hurried out the elevator, sighing in relief as it closed tightly. He leaned against the wall with his files still held tight against his chest, and took several deep gulps of air. He was still trying to understand what had happened by Odori park. 

 

_ Who was that guy?  _ He wondered, rubbing at his shoulders; he could still feel where the man’s fingers were painfully digging into him as he shook Izaya.  _ And… And why was he so mad at me?  _

 

The raven shook his head, quickly trying to disperse those thoughts.  _ I can’t worry about that, I need to get back to work!  _ He pushed off the wall, and headed to his section of the office. 

 

The area where Izaya worked had five desks, including his. There were for placed near each other with plenty of paper and books as barriers, and then a larger desk at the front that belonged to their boss. 

 

When they looked up and saw Izaya come around the corner, they all grew relieved looks on their faces. 

 

One of his coworkers, a young woman named Tsunoda quickly hurried over to his desk. Her brown eyes sparkled were wide with excitement and her dyed orange hair a mess. 

 

“Izaya-kun!” She exclaimed. “You’re finally here! Did you get the manuscripts?” 

 

The raven nodded, placing the folders on his desk and revealing the manga manuscripts within them. “I did,” He said,”I still can’t believe that the author’s fax machine broke.” 

 

“Right at the deadline too!” Tsunoda agreed, flipping through the pages quickly in order to check them as fast as she could with her perfectly manicured nails.

 

“You sure took your time though, I was starting to wonder if you got lost,” Izaya’s other co-worker, Hideki, teased. He stared at Izaya with a mischievous smirk, his eyes hard to see with his brunette fringe while leaning back in his chair.

 

Memories of the strange man that confronted him flashed at the forefront of Izaya’s mind again. “I didn’t do it on purpose!” He quickly replied,”I was coming back as fast as I could, but then there was an… Incident.” 

 

This caught their attention, and made Tsunoda look up from the scans. Even Izaya’s boss, Hamasaki Masa, a man whose caramel eyes could see into anyone’s soul, looked up from his own work

 

“What kind of incident?” Asked Hideki, leaning against his desk and closer to the raven, brown eyes gleaming with curiosity. 

 

Knowing he wouldn’t escape without explaining, Izaya sighed and began his story. “I was leaving the station and was walking past Odori park, and all of a sudden someone was yelling my name. I turned around and there was a guy in a bartender suit running at me! He grabbed me and started to shake me, and- and he kept yelling at me! He asked if I did it just to torture him, and that he wasn’t going to let me go until I explained what I was thinking when I did what I did.”

 

“Damn…” Masa replied, placing down the book he had been reading and leaning against his desk. “How the hell did you get out of that?”

 

The raven shrugged. “I don’t really know. I told him I didn’t know who he was and he… He froze, he looked completely shocked,” He explained,”I didn’t wait around to see why. As soon as he froze up, I ran back here.” He finished.

 

His final coworker, a woman named Riyeko, suddenly emerged from the large pile of papers on her desk that resembled a fort. Izaya jolted a little, not even realizing that she was there. “So you have no idea what he was yelling at you for?” She questioned, her glasses shining against the sunlight. 

 

Izaya quickly shook his head. “None!” He promised,”I don’t even know who he was…” 

 

After a few more muttered comments, Masa finally interjected. “As much as I’d like to keep standing around and chatting, we need to hurry and get these to the printers before they hunt us down.” 

 

“Oh!” The raven exclaimed, having nearly forgotten despite the fact that was why he had left the office in the first place. “Yes of course, right away sir!”

 

— — — — — —

 

Hours later, Izaya was sitting on the train again. It was nearly empty, but the raven was used to that. He worked so late that he more often than not caught the last train of the night. 

 

He looked up, seeing his reflection in the window across from him. His strangely colored eyes were hidden behind his black glasses, which were square with rounded edges. His hair was as dark as night, and reached a little further down than his chin. 

 

His hairstyle wasn’t a fashion statement, it was long so he could hide  _ that.  _ His hand unconsciously went to the side of his head, feeling the scar hidden underneath the hair, the place where he had been shot. 

 

Even after five years, the scar remained and no hair grew in that part. The only way to not see it and avoid stares was to hide it; Izaya didn’t mind, staring at it only left him with more questions. 

 

_ Who was I… Before? What did I do to deserve getting shot?  _ He often wondered.  _ Was I… Was I bad? Is that why nobody ever visited at the hospital? Is that why I woke up alone?  _

 

Izaya frowned again, lowering his head and making his red scarf cover the lower half of his face.  _ But that man… He knew me. He said my name, and my name isn’t exactly common.  _ He recalled.  _ Does he… Does he know me? Is he from my past?  _

 

Yes… Maybe that was it. Maybe that man really did know who he was. Curiosity was boiling over in Izaya, he so desperately wanted to remember his past… What would he learn? Who was he really? 

 

But as his hand traced over the scar he kept hidden, he wondered… Did he really want to know?

 

— — — — — — 

 

Shizuo still couldn’t believe it, he was still in shock. Izaya was alive, Shizuo hadn’t killed him! He… He wasn’t a murderer! 

 

The painful weight that he had been holding on his shoulders for five years suddenly was gone… And replaced with anger. He growled and fell back onto the hotel bed, grinding his teeth together. 

 

“I finally find him again, and I let him get away!” He snarled to himself,”Stupid, Stupid! How am I supposed to find him now!? This city is huge! I mean… It’s not as big as Tokyo but I was lucky I ran into him in the first place!”

 

He rolled over onto his side. “And it’s not like he’ll look for me… He doesn’t remember me!” He exclaimed, memories of that horrible night returning. The sound of the gunshot, the sound of a body crashing to the ground, and the vision of Izaya lying lifeless on the floor invading his peace again. 

 

Shizuo was at a loss, he didn’t know what to do. He had always thought that if he found out Izaya was alive, he’d be able to ignore the louse and go back to his old life. But now he wasn’t so sure… 

 

He growled again, curling up on the bed. “Why should I try and find him?! He doesn’t remember me, and he’s not in Ikebukuro, I should be happy! That flea will never bother anyone again!”

 

Yet even as he said that, the mere thought of Izaya was bothering  _ him _ . He didn’t understand it, why couldn’t he just forget what he saw!? 

 

Feeling confused, desperate, and alone, Shizuo grabbed his phone and quickly scrolled through his contacts until he found what he was looking for. 

 

Putting the phone to his ear, he took a deep breath and waited. It rang three times before he heard a click, and then the sound of his brother’s tired voice. “Hello?” Kasuka sleepily asked. 

 

“Kasuka, I need to talk to you,” He quickly said, skipping any formalities. 

 

He heard a sigh, and then some shifting. “Shizuo, it’s the middle of the night… Can’t this wait until morning?” 

 

Deciding that he shouldn’t beat around the bush, he firmly declared,”It’s about Izaya. He’s alive.”

 

There was a silence on the other line, but Shizuo knew his brother long enough to tell it was a shocked silence. For almost a full minute, neither of them spoke as Kasuka took in what he had just heard. 

 

Finally, Kasuka spoke again. “What are you going to do?” He asked. 

 

“I…” Shizuo started, but cut himself off. He thought for a few more seconds, and finally relented. “I don’t know… Kasuka, it’s Izaya but it’s not  _ Izaya.  _ He… He doesn’t remember me. I don’t think he remembers  _ anything.  _ He wasn’t acting like himself at all…”

 

His brother shifted again, and then casually asked,”How does that make you feel, Shizuo?” 

 

Shizuo frowned, his head spinning as he tried to think of an answer. Anger? Rage? Sadness? Finally, he sighed. “I don’t know…” He admitted,”I don’t want to kill him… I don’t want to hurt him at all… But shouldn’t that be it? Why am I still thinking about him!?” 

 

“Perhaps you should just talk to him,” Kasuka suggested,”That’s a starting point. If this is really bothering you, staying away from him won’t help.” 

 

The man nodded at his brother’s words. That had been what he was thinking but he’d been to scared. The extra push from someone outside of the situation helped him feel a little braver. “Thank you, Kasuka,” He said quietly, shoulders slumping in relief. “I’ll let you go now, sorry for waking you.”

 

“Tell me how it goes,” Kasuka replied back,”Goodnight, big brother.” Then, with another click, the conversation ended. 

 

Shizuo tossed his phone away, grabbed the covers, and buried herself underneath them.  _ Kasuka’s right, I need to find him and talk to him! And then I’ll feel better!  _ He clenched his fists in determination.  _ You can do it Shizuo, you’re brave, you’re strong!! _

 

The man went silent for a few seconds, and then his sudden confidence drained away. He pulled the covers back, and hurried over to the mini-fridge.  _ Does this hotel have alcohol?  _

 

— — — — — —

 

A few days passed, and neither Izaya nor Shizuo saw each other during that time. 

 

Not for a lack of trying; Shizuo spent any time he wasn’t sight seeing or relaxing looking around town. He even tried taking the same train route at the same time he did the first time he ran into Izaya, but he never saw the raven on that train again. 

 

Izaya wasn’t able to search as easily, an editor’s life was a busy one. Even when their next book was almost done, there was still so much work to do; that meant waking up early and leaving late. The only times he had a chance to look around was on his train rides to work, and they were usually almost empty, only filled with other exhausted members of the workforce.

 

Shizuo didn’t think of such a thing; He only remembered the Izaya who scampered around at random times doing whatever he pleased. He couldn’t imagine Izaya as someone following a work schedule, so he didn’t even fathom the thought. 

 

Izaya was at even more at a loss. After all, that man was a random stranger who possibly knew him. He didn’t know his name, his schedule, or anything else about him except for his appearance. 

 

Both of the men independently started to wonder if they would ever find the other again. After all, in such a big city what were the odds of such a coincidence happening again? 

 

— — — — — — 

 

“Whoo! We did it! We’re done!” 

 

The small group of editors slumped over in relief. They had done it, the whole magazine  _ and  _ the manga they were supposed to publish were finally done. 

 

“I didn’t think we would make it this time!” Tsunoda admitted, her hair a mess and not wearing her usual makeup. 

 

Hideki chuckled, raising his empty coffee mug. “But we did!” He cheered, his hand falling limply back onto his desk, he was too exhausted to hold it up. 

 

Izaya smiles in relief, flicking his pencil up his desk and letting it roll back down. Despite the fact his thoughts kept returning to that strange man, he did his best to keep his focus on work. It paid off, now they had a few days to rest before they had to start working on next month’s issues. 

 

The sound of Masa dropping his somehow always heavy messenger bag snapped the raven out of his thoughts.

 

“Indeed, we did do it,” Their boss happily agreed,”And you know what that calls for? A celebration! Let’s go to that restaurant near Odori Park, my treat!” 

 

Riyeko quickly leapt to her feet and started to grab her things. “You had me at free booze, boss,” She happily declared.

 

Masa and the others sent her an incredulous look. “I… Never said that?” He half questioned-half stated. 

 

The woman shrugged, wiggling her hand in the air. “Eh, it was implied,” She simply answered, and then hurried over to the elevator. 

 

The quartet left behind chuckled at her antics, but quickly followed after her. They were all desperate for a chance to relax after such a stressful week. 

 

Izaya pushed his glasses up, wrapping his red scarf around his neck and squeezing the fabric between his hands.  _ Odori Park… That’s where I saw him last…  _ He recalled.  _ Is it possible… Will he be there again?  _

 

— — — — — — 

 

The raven was a little saddened as they passed Odori Park; There was no sign of the man dressed in the bartender suit. He sighed, and resigned himself to the fact that he probably wasn’t going to see him again. 

 

The restaurant helped cheer him up quite a bit. It was a sit down restaurant where the tables were low and you sat on pillows. They had the best food, and alcohol was at a good price there. 

 

Knowing that his boss was paying, Izaya ordered a helpful serving of fatty tuna and a beer of his own, Hideki got a plate of sushi as well, Masa and Tsunoda got some ramen, and Riyeko got some pork cutlets and several glasses of beer. 

 

The night continued on and they happily toasted to a job well done. Riyeko managed to down over three large glasses of beer, and was leaning on Tsunoda for support as she ranted. 

 

“... And y’know all I ask for is a lil’ respect!” The woman exclaimed,”I do a shit-shit ton of work, and- and I don’t get any fame for it! All they have to do is meet the deadline! But can they do that? No! They n’ver can!” 

 

Hideki watched the rant with amusement, slowly slipping his hand towards where Riyeko was sitting and nudging her half-empty drink away in an attempt to stop her from drinking anymore. 

 

“I think you’ve had enough,” Tsunoda decided, placing her water into Riyeko’s hands. “Here, drink this.”

 

Riyeko grumbled something that none of them could understand, but started drinking the water anyways; Her face resembled that of a toddler who had been told no. 

 

Izaya rolled his eyes at her, but he was used to her antics after working with her for five years. Besides, this wasn’t even the most embarrassing thing she’d done when drunk. 

 

“Hey… Izzy,” Masa’s quiet voice suddenly reached his ears. He looked next to him at his taller boss, but the man’s eyes weren’t on Izaya. They were on another booth nearby. “Isn’t that the man you told us about?” 

 

The raven’s heart skipped a beat, he quickly whipped around to look where Masa was looking. Sure enough, there he was. He was still wearing that bartender suit and he was sitting in a booth alone, his head lowered and a still-full glass of beer in his hand. He looked sad and defeated, as if he had given up on life. 

 

Izaya suddenly felt nervous; He brought his hands to his chest and frowned.  _ What do I say? What do I do?  _

 

Masa nudged his side, giving Izaya the courage he couldn’t seem to find. He got up from his seat, slowly moving closer and closer to the man. He never reacted, seemingly too interested in being downtrodden. 

 

Finally, after what felt like torturous hours, he was standing right by the man. He shuffled his feet, struggling to come up with an idea of what to say. He shook his head, and tugged his scarf.  _ Focus, Izaya! You’re an editor, for God’s sake! Say something! Anything!  _

 

Bravery coursing through his veins, Izaya took a deep breath, and…

 

— — — — — — 

 

“I… Um… Er…” 

 

Shizuo frowned, the headache pounding against the back of his eyes threatening to grow worse. Was that stuttering waiter trying to talk to him!? He told the man to leave him alone! 

 

He looked up, ready to snap at whoever it was; All anger and poison he had died in his throat when he realized who was standing next to him. 

 

It was him, the raven who somehow still haunted his dreams even though Shizuo knew he was alive. His eyes were wide with anxiety behind those glasses, hands threaded together and held tightly against his chest. Instead of the usual fur coat he would wear, he had a red scarf around his neck, a thin purple sweater, and black pants. 

 

Shizuo’s heart jolted and he jumped to his feet, the table hitting his knees causing it to crash onto its side along with his drink. “Izaya!” He breathed out in shock. 

 

The raven took a nervous step back, and Shizuo felt guilty all over again.  _ He’s probably afraid I’m going to grab him and scream in his face again…  _ He thought, kneeling down and fixing the mess he made before standing up again. 

 

He opened his mouth, then closed it and lowered his head, wringing his hands together. “Do… Do you… Know me?” He finally asked. 

 

Izaya’s shoulders slumped, letting Shizuo know that the raven has been expecting exactly what Shizuo thought. He then gave Shizuo a sad look, shaking his head. “I don’t… I’m sorry…” He quietly answered. 

 

“Don’t be!” Shizuo snapped back, making the man jump. He quickly backtracked. “I mean- Um… It’s not your fault you can’t remember…”  _ It’s probably better if you don’t…  _

 

Izaya then looked at him with a calculating gaze. “But  _ you _ know me.” It was a statement, not a question. 

 

Shizuo couldn’t help the small smile that rose up on his face. Even when he didn’t remember anything, Izaya was still as perceptive as ever. For some reason, that made the debt collector very happy. He nodded to the raven’s statement, and replied,”I do.”

 

He saw those red eyes twinkle with curiosity; An innocent and gentle emotion that Shizuo never thought Izaya was capable of feeling. 

 

The debt collector instantly knew what to do. He held out his hand, and said,”I’m Heiwajima Shizuo, it’s nice to meet you.”

 

_ Again. _


	3. Detours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya and Shizuo finally talk, it doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I'm a high school graduate as of today and I finally have time to write stories! Expect more updates soon!

_ Heiwajima Shizuo… _

 

_ Heiwajima Shizuo... _

 

Izaya ran the name through his head over and over again, it felt good to actually have a name to go with the face of the man who knew about him and his past. In fact, that man was still staring at him with a nervous look in his eyes and that hand held out. 

 

He smiled at Shizuo, hoping to give the man peace of mind and then took the open hand, shaking it firmly. “Nice to meet you, Heiwajima-San,” He replied. 

 

The man seemed to cringe at that and he quickly replied,”Please, just call me Shizuo. I’m not used to- um… Hearing you call me by my last name.” 

 

“Oh!” Izaya exclaimed, curiosity gleaming in his red eyes. “If I call you by your first name, does that mean we were close?” 

 

Shizuo’s eyes widened as big as dinner plates, frantically shaking his head. “Oh no, not at all, not by a long shot,” He said,”We hated each other, like  _ really  _ hated each other.” 

 

That caught Izaya off guard, he hadn’t been expecting to hear that. He frowned and tilted his head slightly. “We hated each other?” He asked, gaining a nod in return. Izaya’s frown deepened, and he softly continued,”If we hated each other, then why did you chase me down? And why are you talking to me now?” 

 

Shizuo’s cheeks turned pink with blush, but there also seemed to be some fear in his eyes. He yanked his hand away from Izaya, and stuttered,”B-because… Because I… I wanted to… I thought I had…”

 

The man then let out a violent yell of anger, grabbing at his brown locks and exclaiming,”Argh! Why is it so hard to talk to you!?”

 

Izaya’s eyes widened, he quickly took a few steps back as his fear returned. “Please calm down, Shizuo...” He quietly said,”People are starting to stare…” 

 

Shizuo looked up at him, fingers still threaded in his hair and his brown eyes looking around at the many people now watching them. His breathing was getting faster and he finally seemed to lose it. 

 

Izaya stared out at the still swinging doors with a curious glance until he realized that all the stares were now on him. The raven started to get nervous, he wasn’t a people-person to begin with. The stares along with the strange things Shizuo had said… It was too much.

 

He turned away from the now empty table and hurried to the table. Once there, he grabbed his coat, scarf, and whispered,”I’m- I’m going to go home…” Usually he would be much more polite about leaving so suddenly, but he felt like he couldn’t stop. He needed to leave. 

 

He left without waiting to see if they would respond, his mind too overwhelmed with confusion to even think about waiting. Once out on the street, all he could think of was what Shizuo had been saying. 

 

_ I thought that after talking with him, things would be easier to understand… But now I feel even more confused…  _ He thought, pressing his scarf over the lower half of his face and letting out a muffled groan.  _ Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t even talk to him? At least then, I wouldn’t be so jumbled. It would have just been one awkward experience and nothing more.  _

 

He pulled his scarf up so that it covered his mouth, letting out a sigh of confusion. He felt so lost. His mind was like an empty chasm, where there were a few white strands of memories from his old life, but they were too far out of his reach. 

 

Izaya had a tiny hope, for just a second, that maybe Heiwajima Shizuo would be the one to help him reach those memories. To remember the life that he couldn’t. 

 

But in the end, it was a vain hope… 

  
  


— — — — — — 

 

“Oh my god, I’m such a fucking idiot!” Shizuo yelled, kicking the nearby building out of rage. “I finally see him again and I just… I just run off again!?”

 

_ But I talked to him! And he listened! That has to count for something, right?  _ The helpful side of his brain pointed out, seeming very enthusiastic and faithful about the stupid words that had tumbled very frantically out of his mouth.

 

The darker side of his mind scoffed at their optimism.  _ Yeah, he listened as you said the worst things you could have possibly said! I literally just told him we used to hate each other and then ran off!  _

 

He sat on the edge of a nearby bench, rubbing his face with his hands and trying to figure out what to do next. “Maybe… Maybe if I go back now, he’ll still be there and- and I can talk to him!” 

 

Shizuo leapt to his feet and was completely prepared to run all the way to the place he had just been, but he saw the time on the clock as he passed by. It had already been an hour since he had run away from the restaurant with his tail between his legs. 

 

“He’s probably gone by now…” Shizuo muttered, letting his coat drop to the ground without even trying to catch it. He slid down to the ground next to it, burying his face in his hands with a groan. “Why do I always mess everything up?” 

 

He threaded his hands into his hair, tugging at the strands violently. “This was my chance!” He growled,”It was my one chance to fix it and I ruined it! Why would he even talk to me now? I told him we hated each other! Why did I do that!?” 

 

Shizuo desperately wished that he could sink into the ground, and vanish completely, ashamed of the way he had acted. But, life was never that merciful. 

 

Luckily, however, there was a different way he could drown his sorrows. His hazy brown eyes looked towards a nearby flickering neon sign, and he got to his feet. He shuffled towards the bar like it was his lifeline… And, as much as he hated to admit it… It really was. 

 

— — — — — — 

 

Izaya couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard he tried. He tossed and turned in his usually comfortable bed, waking up his dog up over and over with the constant movement. 

 

After a while, he gave up and flopped down on the pillow with a grunt. His dog whined, lifting her head and placing it on his leg, as if to say ‘Are you okay?’ 

 

He looked down at the white and brindle greyhound and sighed again, reaching out and rubbing her head. “I’m sorry, Yori,” He muttered quietly,”The past few days have just been so strange… And I don’t know what to do about it…” 

 

The dog whined again, pulling away from him and then trotting away. He heard the clicking of her claws against his hardwood floor going down the hallway, and then some rustling. 

 

_ What is she doing?  _ Izaya wondered, turning around and pulling the covers up to his shoulders. He could already see the light of dawn peeking in through his curtains. With a groan, he pulled the covers all the way over his head.  _ Why did this have to happen as soon as I get a few days off? I was supposed to sleep in today!  _

 

His mind flashed back to the image of the blonde man grabbing at his shoulders, holding him tight as if he was afraid Izaya would disappear. Yelling at him about things that the raven didn’t remember at all. Every time he closed his eyes, it was all he could see. 

 

Why? Why did this man make it so hard for him to concentrate on the here and now? How did he make Izaya worry so much about back then?

 

The clicking of claws and the clicking of metal brought him back to reality, his red eyes snapping up and pulling the covers back down. Yori was back at the side of his bed, a familiar green leash held in her mouth. 

 

“Eh?” He queried,”A walk? Right now? Yori, it’s four in the morning… It’s way too early for a walk…”

 

Izaya was no fool, however. He knew that arguing with Yori was worthless; The second the dog heard the word ‘walk’ you had no choice but to take her on one. 

 

He smiled at her and then forced himself out of bed. “Alright, Alright, just let me get dressed and then we’ll go,” He said, sliding his feet back into his slippers and dragging himself over to his wardrobe. 

 

_ Maybe some fresh air will clear my head…  _

 

— — — — — — 

 

Yori took the lead during the walk, as she always did. She trotted down the sidewalk in her silly coat, making sure to stop and smell almost everything as she could.

 

Izaya trailed behind her, holding the leash and attempting to rub the drowsiness out of his eyes.  _ It’s too early for this… I wanna go back to bed…  _ He heard his stomach growl.  _ Or maybe I’ll make some breakfast and then go back to sleep. Yeah, that sounds good.  _

 

The raven tried to keep walking down their usual route, but he found he couldn’t pull the leash further. Snapping out of his sleepy stupor, he turned towards where the leash was leading.  _ Into an alleyway? Why did she go that way?  _

 

“Yori?” He softly called,”Why are you going this way? We never go through alleys.” 

 

He heard the dog whimpering and looked closer, the small light of the sunrise allowing him to see that Yori was sniffing at a person. Instantly, Izaya got nervous. He tugged on the leash, trying to get Yori leave the slumped figure. 

 

When she refused to move and kept sniffing at the man, Izaya’s curiosity got the better of him. He crept a little closer, getting a better look at the man leaning against the wall. 

 

_ A brunette… Wearing a bartender outfit? _ Izaya gasped. “Heiwajima-San?” He exclaimed aloud, quickly kneeling down next to him. He noticed that the man looked extremely disheveled, he was clutching an empty bottle, and making the raven’s nose sting with the smell of strong alcohol that seemed to be clutching to every inch of his body.

 

Izaya slowly reached out, grabbing at the edge of the man’s shirt. “Hey… Heiwajima-san, wake up!” He softly called, shaking the brunette gently, and then roughly when the man didn’t respond. All he got in response was a weak groan. 

 

He frowned, looking at Yori, towards the street, and then back at the man.  _ I can’t leave him here… _ He thought.  _ Even if we hated each other like he said, that doesn’t mean I should just walk away… _

 

“Yori, stay,” He ordered, placing the leash down and then grabbing the taller man, leaning him against his back. _ He’s really light… Like, way too light. _ Izaya noticed, starting to try and stand up. 

 

Just as he got onto his feet, he heard another groan coming from the man. “Mmm… Izaya?” He heard the man say.

 

Is he awake? Izaya wondered, turning to look at the bruette. His eyes were open, but they were empty and blank, as if he wasn’t all there. Hesitantly, Izaya responded,”Yes? It’s me…”

 

The man gave a sorrowful sigh, and he whispered,”Izaya… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry…” Then, he lowered his head and closed his eyes, becoming dead weight all over again. 

 

_ Sorry? _ Izaya thought, looking down at Yori and then back up at the man. _ I don’t… I don’t understand… _

 

_ Sorry for what? _

 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

 

The smell of something delicious was what woke Shizuo up next. For a moment, he wondered if he was back at the hotel. But when his head was pounding, and his throat burned in pain, he remembered that he had been at a bar… Things got fuzzy after that.  _ Where am I? _

 

He opened his eyes, having to blink several times to get used to the light. Once everything became clear, he found himself lying on a plush, cream colored couch with a blue fleece blanket draped over him. On the glass coffee table, he saw a cup of water and two aspirin pills. 

 

His painful headache was enough for him to grab the pills and toss them down his throat, chasing them with huge chugs of the water. Once the cup was empty, he looked around some more. 

 

The living room had walls that were a slightly darker shade than the couch, with hardwood floors that were a light tan color. Hanging over the three windows were green curtains, and he could see that one of the windows was actually a door leading to a small balcony. 

 

Against the walls were several bookshelves, piled messily with so many books that some were stacked on the top of the shelf. There was a smaller bookshelf in front of the couch and against the wall, and a television above that. 

 

_ This isn’t my hotel room…  _ Shizuo finally figured out, looking around once more and then looking down. He jolted in surprise at the sight of a dog staring right at him, ears raised and head tilted in curiosity. 

 

“Uh… Hi…?” He awkwardly said, still trying to register exactly what was going on. 

 

The dog huffed in response, and then trotted around the couch and out of view. Shizuo turned around to follow her, and saw that there was an entire kitchen behind him. 

 

There was a line of countertops on the other side of the wall with a sink and a stove with an oven, serving as a small kitchen.  There was a small circular table in between the couch and the countertops that only had one chair and a white fridge pushed into the corner of the room, right next to a sliding door that Shizuo guess led to a bedroom. 

 

At the kitchen, facing away from Shizuo, was a familiar form that was humming and chopping vegetables. It took Shizuo a second to recognize the voice, but the second he did, there was a painful stab at his heart. 

 

“Izaya?” He softly asked, making the other man jump the slightest bit. He turned his head, looking at Shizuo with bespectacled red eyes and a nervous smile on his face. 

 

He turned all the way around. “Ah, good morning Heiwajima-San,” He said, placing the kitchen knife down on the cutting board. “How are you feeling?” 

 

Shizuo gave the man a slow blink, still a little drowsy, and replied,”My head sort of hurts, but other than that I’m feeling okay.”  _ After all, I’m used to drinking way more than that…  _

“That’s good!” Izaya cheerfully responded, his smile getting a little wider and shoulders slumping in relaxation. The debt collector realized that he had been nervous about what Shizuo was going to say. 

 

_ Well, what did I expect?  _ He asked himself.  _ I told him that we hated each other, of course he’s a little nervous.  _

 

By the time he snapped himself out of his stupor once more, Izaya was turned back around and standing by the stove. “Hang on just a second, I’m almost finished with lunch,” The raven said, the sound of something sizzling talking along with him. 

 

_ Wait… Lunch?! It’s already time for lunch!?  _ He thought in shock, turning to look at his phone, but he found that it was dead. He looked back up towards Izaya and noticed there was a clock right next to him. It was already two in the afternoon. 

 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” He quickly said,”I’ve probably held you up all day-“ 

 

Izaya waved him off as he turned around with two plates. “Not at all, I have a few days off from work so it’s no trouble,” He replied. 

 

Shizuo felt extremely relieved, but also felt strange. Izaya had never had a ‘normal’ job in the time he had known him. He always chose the clients he liked and worked for Shiki every now and then. Come to think of it… What did Izaya work as now? 

 

“Um… Do you get days off often where you work?” He asked. 

 

Izaya gave him a curious look, placing a plate of food in front of Shizuo. “That’s a really strange way of asking what I do for work,” He teased. 

 

Shizuo’s eyes widened, a blush covering his cheeks. He felt a little ridiculous.  _ Even if he doesn’t remember anything, he’s still pretty smart. I should have just asked upfront…  _

 

The raven gave a small chuckle, waving his hand again. “It’s okay, I’m just messing with you. I’m an editor for one of the manga companies out here,” Izaya explained,”I’ve been working there for almost four and a half years.” 

 

_ Four and a half years, that’s nearly how long he’s been gone.  _ He thought, looking back up at the raven. “Is all the reading why you have to wear glasses now?” He asked. 

 

Then, that curious look returned to Izaya’s eyes. “Now?” He asked. “So… So I didn’t before?” 

 

Shizuo had to hide a cringe, really wishing he hadn’t brought up the past. It still hurt to think about, even more than his hangover. 

 

“Well… No, you didn’t..” He finally admitted. 

 

Izaya frowned at this, seemingly confused by Shizuo’s words. “Really?” He thought,”But… I swear I remember something about glasses… Maybe I was wrong…” 

 

He shrugged. “Well, in the hospital the doctors said that my head injury is the main reason I need the glasses. My memory wasn't the only thing that got messed up.” He explained, his hand unconsciously reaching towards the side of his head as he looked at Shizuo. “Do you… Do you know how that happened?” 

 

Shizuo’s heart started to pound, the sound of that gunshot rang through his head all over again, the blood flashing past his vision. Breathing started to get difficult, and everything started to fade away.  _ I killed him, I killed him, I’m a monster-  _

 

Just before he could fall into a complete panic, he felt hands on him, and someone calling him back. “Heiwajima-San! Heiwajima-San! Are you okay!?” 

 

The darkness faded away, and he saw those familiar red eyes staring at him with concern. The panic started to fade away as he reminded himself that the person he was thinking about was right in front of him.  _ He’s not dead… He’s not dead…  _

 

Once Izaya was sure he was calmer, the raven asked,”Are you alright?” 

 

Shizuo opened his mouth to speak, froze up, and then lowered his head with a sigh. “No…” He admitted. “The things that happened between us, your past, our past, it’s hard for me to think about… Talk about…” 

 

To his surprise, Izaya seemed to understand. He gave a soft smile and nodded, sitting next to Shizuo. “Well then, we don’t have to talk about it,” He decided. 

 

The debt collector’s eyes widened, whipping around to face Izaya. “What- Are you sure!?” He asked,”It’s your past, you have a right to know-“ 

 

“I don't want you to tell me if it’s going to hurt you to do so,” Izaya firmly says,”We can talk about other things, we can start from the beginning. How does that sound?” 

 

Shizuo couldn’t believe his ears, he almost couldn’t believe it at all. Izaya was being so… Considerate. It was so unlike the old version of the raven that Shizuo was starting to wonder if he was trapped in some kind of dream. 

 

Still, the kind suggestion had Shizuo smiling with happiness. He looked at Izaya and softly replied,”Yeah, that works. I’d like that.” 

 

Izaya smiles back, the firm look in his eyes fading away. “Great!” He cheerfully said,”So, would you like to start tomorrow? I’m sure you’d like to go back home and get cleaned up. Or you could always stay here. I have an extra futon, it’s pretty comfortable.” 

 

Shizuo chuckled a bit at Izaya’s joke, still marveling at how his life had changed so suddenly. “No, I think I’ll go back to the hotel. My brother rented it for me, I’d feel bad not using it,” He said,”But can we can exchange numbers? That way we don’t lose each other again.” 

 

Izaya agreed, and he soon had the Raven’s new number inside of his phone. As he left the apartment, he kept opening and closing the phone just to check and see if it was actually real… And it always was. 

 

Putting his phone back in his pocket, he let a wide smile climb onto his face.  _ Maybe… Maybe this is it. Things are finally going to get better.  _

 

— — — — — — 

 

_ You gotta be fucking kidding me.  _

 

Standing outside the hotel, his luggage in hand, Shizuo glared at the manager of the hotel furiously. “This is ridiculous!” He exclaimed, waving his hands around. “You can’t just kick me out!” 

 

“I can do whatever I want, including kicking you out and making you pay for the damage that you did to one of my nicest rooms!” The manager snapped back, crossing his arms against his pristine suit. 

 

Shizuo could only cringe in response to that. He never really remembered the things he did when he was drunk, and he was drunk a lot. Had he really trashed the room that bad? Still, he felt really frustrated. 

 

Throwing his hands in the air, he angrily asked,”Well where the hell am I supposed to go?!”

 

“I don’t care, just get away from the hotel before I call security!” The manager yelled, spinning around and storming away into the fancy hotel, the doors automatically shut behind him. 

 

Shizuo growled angrily, just about ready to break through the doors and punch the man through the wall. But… He knew that there were a few people who wouldn't be very happy if he did that… Including a certain raven.

 

So, with a weak sigh, he picked up his luggage and sadly walked away from the hotel without another word. In his mind, he was scolding himself.  _ I’m in a tourist destination, of course they would be crazy strict about the rooms! I should have been more careful! _

 

He wandered around for a while before finding a bench and sitting down, rubbing his hand over his face.  _ What am I going to do now? _

 

Then, his phone dinged. Shizuo frowned, pulling the small device out and looking at it curiously. It was a text from Izaya.  _ ‘Hey! Did you make it back safe?’  _

 

Shizuo smiled, gaining a warm feeling just from looking at the text. He shook his head, and sent back a reply. _ ‘Safe, yes. But that’s where it ends. I just found out that they kicked me out of my hotel.’ _

 

_ ‘Oh no! :(‘ _ Izaya sent back a few seconds later. For some reason, the little frowny face made him laugh even more… It seemed that even just being able to communicate with Izaya was putting him in a better mood. 

 

That thought made Shizuo remember something else, and gave him an idea. With a hopeful energy, he quickly typed back a message. 

 

_ ‘So just how comfy is that extra futon you mentioned?’  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Shizuo and his impromptu roommate talk about the past


	4. Talk to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya and Shizuo sit down and have a chat about the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the shorter length of this chapter, I'm still trying to get my muse back. Still, I hope you enjoy :)

Despite the fact that Shizuo had been there only hours before, and the fact that Izaya had already agreed that he could stay, the debt collector couldn’t help the tension building up in his strong muscles as he knocked on the door of Izaya’s apartment. He quickly looked around the hallway, waiting for Izaya to open the door.

 

The apartment complex itself felt completely out of place to Shizuo, It was nothing like what the old Izaya would live in. It was in the city, but it was no fancy high rise penthouse with dozens of locks and security cameras. Just a simple complex for simple people… The old Izaya would have scoffed at the idea of living in such a small, mundane place.

 

_ But I’m not dealing with the old Izaya right now… _ Shizuo had to remind himself. _ This is a completely different person. _

 

As if to further prove this thought, the door to Izaya’s apartment was suddenly shoved open, revealing the lanky greyhound dog he had met earlier. Her tail wagged frantically as she galloped over, sniffing him all over.

 

“Yori!” Izaya’s voice reached him, making Shizuo jolt in sirurpse. He still wasn’t used to hearing that voice after five years of only hearing it in his nightmares… Back when he thought Izaya had been dead.

 

` The raven came out of the door as well, gently pulling Yori back into the apartment. “I’m so sorry, Heiwajima-san, she gets excited when she sees people and-” He looked up, eyes widening behind his askew glasses. “Whoa… You’re really strong…”

 

Shizuo raised his eyebrows, looking at the three large suitcases he was holding with one arm. “Oh, this is nothing,” He casually said,”I’ve always been a mon- Uh… Pretty strong…” 

 

If Izaya noticed his slip up, he didn’t say anything about it. He lead Shizuo inside, fixing his glasses as he said,”That’s interesting! I could never carry tons of weight like that, not with these arms.”

 

The debt collector frowned a bit. “What does that mean?” He asked curiously. Even though it had been a long time since Izaya had been in Ikebukuro, Shizuo recalled how strong Izaya had been. Nowhere near him or Simon, but Celty had told him about that time Izaya broke a door on a whim.

 

The raven’s answer made him wish he hadn’t asked. Pulling up one of his sleeves, he showed Shizuo all the surgical scars on his arms. They were deep, white scars that greatly stood out on his skin, going all the way from his wrist to the elbow, and problem even further up into the sleeve. 

 

 “My bones were really broken when I got to the hospital, the doctors had to use pins, rods, and plates to put them back together. It was a long time before I could even hold something that was five pounds,” The raven explained,”I still have some metal in them too. Crazy, huh?”

 

Shizuo swallowed the bile attempting to rise up his throat. He did that, those scars were because of him. It was all his fault that Izaya had suffered like that.  “Uh… Y-yeah, crazy…” He forced out, his skin turning very pale.

 

A concerned look graced Izaya’s face, and he quickly shoved his sleeve down. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m so used to them that sometimes I forget they look weird-” He quickly rambled out.

 

“No, no, don’t apologize, it’s not your fault!” Shizuo quickly exclaimed over him.  _ Please don’t apologize, don’t be concerned about me. I don’t deserve it, I was the one that did that to you, I don’t deserve your concern… _

 

His loud and frantic exclamation caused the raven to freeze up, perplexed by the brunette’s reaction. Shizuo could see the gears turning in those intelligent eyes, but thankfully Izaya didn’t ask any questions.

 

Turning to the apartment, Izaya changed the subject. “Umm.. Well, this is my apartment. The extra futon is drying now, you can sleep in the living room or in my room, I don’t mind either way. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen, and stay as long as you’d like,” He said.

 

“Thank you so much,” Shizuo genuinely said, setting down his suitcases. “It means so much, especially since we’re basically strangers.”

 

Izaya shrugged. “Well, one of us is. I don’t know you, but you know me. So only halfway,``he joked. 

 

Shizuo snorted, finding the joke rather amusing until the darker part of his mind spoke again. Yeah, halfway, because you shot him in the head and left him to die. Why is he even letting you stay here? You should rot in the streets, you murderer. You don’t deserve his-

 

“-wajima-san?” 

 

The raven’s hesitant voice jerked Shizuo out of his thoughts. He down, seeing the man looking at him expectantly. Yeah, he definitely missed something. 

 

“Uh… Did you say something?” The debt collector awkwardly asked, forcing a half smile onto his face. 

 

“I asked if you’d like some tea? I figured that since we’re both here, we might as well sit and talk like we said we were going to. U-unless you have something else to do, which I would understand,” Izaya quickly offered, nervously tugging at the scarf around his neck. 

 

Shizuo felt nervous- no, terrified to start talking about the past with his old enemy, but he figured he had to do it eventually. No use prolonging it. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself, he softly said,”Sure.”

 

Less than ten minutes later, he found himself sitting across from Izaya at the small table that the raven owned. They sipped at the warm green tea quietly for a long while, both of them too nervous to make the first move.

 

Finally, as he went to pour Shizuo more, Izaya quietly said,”So, I had an idea for how we could start this. What if we kept it vague for now? Just… Talk about our jobs and the like?”

 

Shizuo quickly nodded, he liked that idea a lot. More time to think of how to explain their truly complicated past to the raven. 

 

Izaya grinned at him and happily said,”Great! And, since I sprung this on you, I might as well go first”

 

He cleared his throat, and began. “My name is Orihara Izaya, I’m almost thirty, I work as an editor for manga… I have a dog named Yori, I love reading and sushi, especially fatty tuna. I enjoy walking in the park with Yori, and going to the library. I’d like to write my own book sometime if I could. And… Well, the obvious, I don’t remember anything beyond five years ago.”

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask, how did you even get a job as an editor?” Shizuo asked curiously. 

 

Izaya smiled at him. “Before I left the hospital, my boss actually ended up in the same ward as me after an accident at work. Since his arm was broken and I needed to work on using mine again, I helped him edit. He ended up convincing the company to hire me afterwards,``he explained,”I started as a part-timer, but I got promoted to full time two years ago.”

 

Shizuo was glad to finally have context for it, even if there were still many things that he wanted to understand. Still, he knew Izaya was good with typing and computers, a job like editing wasn’t that far-fetched.

 

“Well, that’s all I can think of off the top of my head,” Izaya calmly said, motioning to Shizuo. “Your turn!”

 

The brunette nodded while taking another deep breath. “Okay, well… My name is Heiwajima Shizuo, I’m almost thirty, and I live in Ikebukuro,” He began, looking at Izaya as he spoke to see if the name of his beloved city sparked anything… But Izaya’s facial expression remained the same. Feeling a mix of disappointment and relief, he continued.

 

“I don’t like violence even though I’m a good fighter, have a younger brother named Kasuka, and I work as a debt collector with my friend Tom. I’m a smoker, I usually wear bartender suits because my brother gave them to me as a present… And, um… I’m friends with Celty and Kyohei Kadota, um… Uh… I like milk?”   
  


Izaya giggled at the last part, making Shizuo frown. “I can’t think of anything else, okay?! I’ve been in a routine for a long time!” He angrily exclaimed.

 

The raven held up his hands. “I didn’t say anything!” He quickly said. 

 

“But you were thinking something, I know you were, flea!” He gasped, cutting himself off and slapping a hand over his mouth. Oh shit, that slipped out, I didn’t mean for it to-

 

Looking at Izaya, he saw the man giving him an extremely confused look. “Did- Did you just call me a flea?” He asked curiously.

 

“Uh- I- Yes?” Shizuo admitted in a quiet voice, his hands threading in his messy brown hair. “It’s what I used to call you whenever we ran into each other.”

 

Izaya’s confused look didn’t go away, but it seemed to lessen a bit. “Did I have a nickname for you?” He asked.

 

Shizuo huffed. “Of course you did, you were way more creative than me. You had plenty, but your two favorites were protozoan and Shizu-chan.” He said.

 

The raven’s eyes widened. “Shizu-chan… Shizu-chan…” He whispered, as if testing the nickname on his tongue. “I… I recognize that... “

 

“You do?” Shizuo eagerly asked, leaning forward. “You called me it all the time because you knew I hated it. But it’s- It’s nice to hear it again…” 

 

Izaya frowned, a strange look entering his eyes. “I- I remember it, I do… But just the words? Why can’t I remember anything else? Why- why is it so hard to- to-” He stuttered out, his hand grabbing at the red scarf once more.

 

Before he could continue in his ramblings, Yori suddenly got up from her position on the floor and pawed at Izaya, letting out gentle whines. Izaya stopped right away, his had letting go of the scarf and reaching for her. “I’m okay, girl,” He whispered, but she only pressed further against his shoulder. “I know, I know, I’ll calm down.”

 

Shizuo couldn’t hold in his curiosity for very long. “Um… What is she doing?” He questioned, watching the greyhound closely.

 

Once Izaya took a few deep breaths, he calmly said,”Yori is a service dog. She’s a lifesaver, seriously. Especially when I have seizures.”

 

“S-seizures?” Shizuo croaked, his blood running cold once again. “Why… Why do you have seizures?”

 

“Because of the gunshot wound,” Izaya quietly said, his tone much more somber. “I barely survived, especially combined with the other injuries I had. Thanks to that, I have seizures, I get really bad panic attacks, and for a while when I woke up, I couldn’t even talk. I had to learn to walk again too… But I think I’m lucky, it could have been a lot worse. I could have died…”

 

Shizuo’s throat felt dry, really dry. “Is… Is there anything else that happened because of your other injuries? Like with the knife?" He asked.

 

“Well, the knife was in my side, and I lost one of my kidneys because of it,” He explained,”Lots of internal damage too. But my arms and head were the worst.”

 

The raven’s hand went back to his scarf, tugging at it as a shiver ran up his spine. “Um… Why… Why are you even asking about this?” He questioned, looking a lot more exhausted than he had a second ago.

 

“No reason…” Shizuo quickly said, perhaps a little too quickly judging by Izaya's expression. 

 

Izaya leaned forward, one hand still clutching to Yori. "I think there is a reason. You freaked out when you first saw me, you kept saying sorry while you were half awake yesterday,  _ and _ you asked if I had any injuries from the knife. I never mentioned a knife," He pointed out. 

 

Shizuo cursed himself for letting a detail slip. I shouldn't be hiding this from him anyway, he has a right to know. I should tell him, I will tell him! He opened his mouth, taking a deep breath… 

 

And chickened out at the last second. 

 

"I was th….. I was there. When you got shot," He slowly said, unable to ignore the shame that burned inside of him at the half-truth. 

 

Izaya stared at him, an unreadable expression on his face. An eternity seemed to pass by, those words hanging between them in the static air.

 

"You saw me get shot?" Izaya finally broached. 

 

Shizuo didn't want to talk about it anymore, but his mouth moved regardless. "Yes…" 

"Do you… Do you know who shot me?" 

 

"...Yes" 

 

Both of Izaya's hands were on the dog now, and Shizuo could see the tremor in them. "Is this person still around?" 

 

"Yes…" 

 

Izaya looked up at him, those red eyes burning with one final, fearful question. "Do you… do you know… W-will they try to hurt me again?" 

 

Shizuo looked straight into the other man's eyes, his determination clearly shown.

 

"No."

 

\-- -- -- -- -- -- -- 

  
That night, Shizuo couldn't sleep. He stared up at the ceiling of the quiet apartment, his face blank of any emotion, and his mind a whirlwind of thoughts. 

 

He didn't know what to do, he felt so lost. Izaya was alive, and yet Shizuo felt even more guilty than before. How was he supposed to atone for his mistakes when Izaya didn't even remember them? 

 

He had already trapped himself in a pit of lies, and it felt as if there was no escape. 

 

Unknown to him, Izaya was up as well, doing almost the exact same thing he was. Staring up at the ceiling, his arm wrapped around Yori while his mind search for answers. 

 

"Shizu-chan…" He whispered, that wave of familiarity washing over him again. 

 

Such a simple nickname, and yet it was so familiar to him. If Shizuo and him had truly been enemies, then why was this nickname causing such a reaction from his brain? 

 

It actually made him feel really happy, even though they had supposedly hated each other, having Shizuo around made him feel a little less alone and lost in a world he couldn't remember. Finally, there was someone who might be able to bridge the gap in his memories. 

 

And the way Shizuo spoke about the person who shot him… He sounded so determined, so strong. Izaya truly did believe that the brunette wanted to protect him from that person. 

 

But at the same time… If felt like Izaya was missing something very, very important. 


End file.
